HEART OF A JUNKIE SPEACKING OUT

                                          HEART OF A JUNKIE SPEAKING OUT

It was one of those usual dark havens of mine, where I choose to relax and float into other dimensions. I chose this place on purpose for I knew it was a place where she could get all the answers she is looking for, and I too was ready to answer all her questions. She walked in tall, beautiful, determination in her eyes and conviction in each step, this turned me on, she turned me on immediately. 

I liked this.

She sat opposite me and scanned the shack, then looked at me and said “nice place", sarcasm... wow she must know me. She said rather firmly "I don’t intend this to go on too long, so let’s begin" I smiled” sure let’s begin but first don’t be foolish and expect this to be a quickie, this conversation..." she interrupted me” Interview you mean" I smiled and continued” ... this conversation will take its course otherwise I wouldn’t have come here today".

I ordered my usual large bottle of sugar water and old newspaper along with a packet of cigarettes, she ordered a beer. “what the paper for?" she asked “I’m sorry I forgot to clean my grass today hope you don’t mind I clean while we talk" I looked at her smiled and opened out my bag and began cleaning my stash. "What do you get out of it? All this smoking this so called tripping” she began. I smiled “what do you get from flirting with guys whom you know you will never see again?" she looked confused. “You see this... in my hand it’s just another instrument I use to my benefit. Nothing more" she laughed “what benefit can smoking grass bring you? Apart from the fact that you lose all motor skills and become so lazy you can even find the strength to get something 2 cms away from you? What benefit do you get from smoking this so publicly as you? What benefit will the children who follow in your footsteps get?"  I liked her vigor, I smiled " Nothing.... everything, you see love, this world is made of good and bad. Made of highs and lows, I am only living this life the way I'm seeing it fit, I don’t intend anyone to follow me and I don't intend on harming anyone’s life. And to be honest I would rather see children smoked dope than grow up become wife beaters, rapists, convicts, murders. I would rather see a man smoke a joint , go to work, feed his family, love his wife and kids and do the same till his very last puff and breath"

The drinks arrived. She looked rather curiously at my bottle of water.

"Honesty you say, ha! That will be the day... I have a man who is sitting in front of me with a joint in one hand telling me he is being honest with me" She dictated “YES!" I said with a sharp slam on the table "honesty... I am honest and I will continue to be honest throughout this whole conversation unlike you." She sipped her beer and said “I am honest; I take offense to that statement by you..." I interrupted her, this nonsense has gone on long enough... time to level the playing field “please don’t fucking bullshit me, be honest and by this I mean, not for you to be correct, I WANT HONESTY! I demand it and I command it... so let us try and get you off your pompous horse of correctness and let’s get down to honesty." my sudden tone startled her, good I thought... now the game will get interesting. "Do define your honesty..." she said bluntly “what I mean by honesty is being detached from who you are and attached to the truth and nothing but the truth...." she interrupted with a smirk” for example?" “For example... heehaw... You want my honesty, I want to take you right here and now on the sand with all these people watching because you just fascinate me with your vigor and determination" she paused” excuse me...?" “Fuck excuses me... I want you to let go of these norms you have brought with you I want to you to walk on the sand barefoot like I am" she said " you're going off topic, I’m not here to fuck you... I’m here to interview you so just get to the point and don’t fuck around with your nonsense that you pass onto others as logic."

I smiled “yes now ask me what you want... now we are on the same ground, you and I"

"tell me about yourself.... " she said "...honestly." as she smirked.

" Nothing all that great I had a normal life my parents got divorced when I was far too young to remember but my mother made up for it and then some, I went through school and college and university, had my growing pains like any other boy and here I sit in front of you now." I said calmly and almost naturally.

“Your mother, tell me about her?"

“My mother in my eyes is someone who is everything to me and more she is my highest power..." I said until she interrupted me " I'm sorry... highest power? So from this I take you hold her higher than god then?"

I smiled "yes I do"

"isn’t that blasphemy? she questioned

" not to me, with all due respect... I didn’t see any one else work 20 hours a day to feed me, clothe me and give me and education and still find time to be a loving parent and strong and wonderful mentor... I mean no disrespect but she is it for me, and I couldn’t care a damn what any world, higher or lower, will think of that."

"So you believe in god?" she asked

"of course I do, don’t be silly now, there is very much a god in this world but he will have to take 2nd place in my world for even he will admit she earned her place in my eyes."

She smiled this time, and ordered another beer. I lit my joint and sipped my water.

As she sipped her beer, she looked into my eyes and asked “have you ever fallen in love?" "meh" I replied "I fall in love every day, if not with you then with this world and if not that then with life and if not that I always have my chocolate fantasies created from sugar cubes"

" you’re doing it again, your giving me your bullshit philosophy and not what I’m asking you for, I want an honest answer..." she snapped

" I am being honest, I fall in love all the time, and I have fallen in love with a lot of girls but I don’t see any of them here next to me today... ... not because I fell out of love... its more or less like... I love unconditionally, whether you're are a friend or a foe, love you for either of those qualities, I love you for being a pain, will ask you to marry me if you can make me a brioche, I love life and everything that it has to offer... good, bad ugly, beautiful and painful"

For the first time, she sat there speechless.

By this time I finished my first joint and was already in the process of making another.

Since she didn't say anything I said " you see love it’s not that I'm in love with you and I know you love me, if not me, then the idea of a guy like me...You can take me home to mum and then chain me up later in the night and then I will make you breakfast in bed.. You see I'm the one in six billion."

 she finished the whole pint of beer and laughed.

“So you think you're this super guy who can't do any wrong?” she said

" no no... I'm a normal guy but I was brought up with values that are from the 60's and bred in the whore of a millennium era... I am the guy who holds the door open for you even if you brush me off, I will smile and be polite and listen to you shout and calm you down and take my anger for a walk and get back to you with a cool mind... I'm not this super guy but I'm a rare guy, this I know for sure... tell me what kind of woman are you?"

"That not important here...." I interrupted her “oh yes but it is... what kind of woman are you? are you the kind to sit there and ask me questions or are you the type to give answers, are you the type to sit in your car on a rainy day or are you the type to talk the street and enjoy every single drop like as if it was a blessing from god?.... tell me what kind of woman are you?"

she smiled " I'm the kind of woman who knows what she wants... now please this interview is about you... let’s keep it that way."

I smiled... reached into my bag and pulled a sugar cube from a tiny packet and placed into my mouth. This slightly offended her.

She said " you are no better than any other junkie, your lost in your delusional world of colors and have no respect for reality, what makes you think you're so great, you just put those damn things into your mouth and go into some mindless trip where your brain waves are scrambled... What the hell do you think you are? you're not a man, you’re a pathetic excuse of one... who is hiding behind a few good values and making himself look like he is all that..... You sir, are sad."

I smiled " if I am just a no good junkie then you my dear are like any other cynic sitting on your high horse looking down on people like me and judging us, who choose a different path you aren't accustomed to,  and for your information I might be a lot of things but I'm no liar... I work harder and I party hardest, I hold no remorse for any of my actions... yes I am a junkie but I'm the type of junkie that gives that name pride. I'm the kind of junkie that makes doing what I do so much more fun and so much more acceptable, and who the fuck are you to judge me... you with your questions and demands... telling me how I should or shouldn't live my life, since when did you become the one who decides how someone should live? Who gave you the power to decide, you know less about yourself and you want to judge me."

I continued " You think that you're white washed, with you plotting and planning and your calculative moves, your syndical questions, your deceit in every handshake... at least junkie speak of love and if nothing else a damn junkie will give you a piece of his bread, but what will anyone you know do for you when you need something? Huh? What will people who have hate in them... who plan on hurting people to higher their gains do for anyone without taking so much more in return, at least a fucking junkie will trip and share his trip with you"

" hah! talk about a poor defense you don’t impress me at all." she said

" I'm not here to impress you I'm here to show you a world that you're not open to, isn't that why you are here? you want to know how someone like me can function so normally, you want to know if it’s possible... because you fucking want to try it as well..."

she interrupted me " you don’t know me..."

“I don’t fucking need to know you... I know the devil in you, open your eyes and see a world that is beautiful and not filled with green and gold, see a world of laughing faces and not bank statements... see a world that is filled with love and not nuclear pacts, see the fucking world for what it truly stands for... see it through my eyes.... and you will see the love there is... you will see the pain and then again you will see people smiling through their pain and pushing and fighting and surviving."

I stopped suddenly......

"Are you okay?" she asked

"I’m fine... it’s just its hard to think right now... that sun looks just beautiful..."

"So is this the end of it then?" she asked foolishly

I smiled and replied “No, it’s just the beginning, here take this..." I handed her a cube

She hesitated but then took it... she smiled “this is going to be one long conversation, huh?"

I laughed “yes love, it’s going to be one long beautiful journey for us... but now let’s sync and connect with the universe around us"

We smiled at each other... pushed back into our chairs facing the setting sun, and I began to trip while she floated away.

It seemed like a millennia before either of us came to speak with each other. She seemed to have calmed down from her usual self after indulging in my bad habits. I have cast my glance at her many times during our conversations but never did she look so enchanting or so free from worldly thoughts and ideals, her face was glowing with same expression a baby’s face would when in the arms of its parents. She moved with such grace and humility, as she fell to her knees on the shoreline of the beach and turned to me with a smile as she ran her fingers through the oncoming water, as she picked it up with both her palms and poured it onto the top of her head, I watched the water flow so rapidly down her hair and onto the back of her neck. I began to laugh at how this woman captivated me and my senses, of how she has me in the palm of her hand but how she will never know.

I closed my eyes and lay back as the music took my soul into a frenzy, then came a soft touch running across my cheeks, as I opened my eyes I saw her stand before me. She sat down next to me and asked me “so this is what you call a culture? Or is this what you call a diversion?” I smiled and pointed at the rest of the world around us “look at them, so lost in their own weakness. Lost to an ingredient that they consume with their own knowledge but let that very ingredient take their souls over, allowing that very same ingredient control them and abuse them. Now look at us, what you have flowing the your brain and entire nervous system is just the same, but you choose to control it, you wish to see what you can do while you on rather than see what can be done to you” she looked at me with a confused smile and said “I’m not controlling it, I mean it’s not as easy as you preach it to be. Things drug in my system is playing with my emotions and my thoughts, pushing me and pulling me at the same time, Confusing reality with fiction, imagination with action. This drug is a weapon not an answer to a question or a doorway to opening a person’s mind to a perspective, it’s not a cure sir, it’s a cancer and it’s eating up society as we know it and destroying every single type of lifestyle while manipulating the minds of those weaker than the rest. All you have shown me is a world inside another already existent and very real world.” I was drawn in by her statement, lost in the movements of her lips, almost seemed as if words were coming out of her mouth and straight into my soul. Every single letter said with such conviction, every statement said with such passion and understanding. But she had to know, she must understand, I felt her voice go quiet as she saw me lose concentration on her views, as she turned to me and said “something wrong?” I shook my head “no it’s just that if you aren’t really controlling the drug, how come you aren’t another machine is throwing yourself around to the music? How do you sit so calmly and point out your views and expressions to me.” She interrupted me “because I choose to!” she said in a rather raised voice, I grinned “my point exactly, you choose to control it even though you know nothing of what you are doing. These drugs are all manmade sweetheart, manufactured by large companies to be used as a method of torture and mode of removing information from the so called “enemy”. But there are two sides to a coin love, this drug is a much more powerful creation, it helps us unlock various facets of our imagination and the ultimate power of our minds, but we have to choose to do so. I don’t believe this drug is a cure or a cancer, I believe it’s what we make it to be, and ironically isn’t that what life is about as well.” I got slightly agitated and elevated in my tone of voice, not through anger but because she was refusing to believe anything apart from what she has previously read or heard from some stupid conversation.

All of a sudden my attention was diverted.

The sky began to change into a deep orange color, and my mind was completely captivated by it. As the sun touched the tip of the horizon, an explosion of colors, as the deep orange began to break thru the blue as if it were tearing open the sky. While a thin line of magenta ran high in the sky, as if to show the darkness to come. Lost in an orgasm of colors and in a world of infinite possibilities, I heard a loud call that snapped me right out of my trip. When I shifted my attention from the God’s canvas to her face, he looked flustered and angry, I asked “why are you so angry?” she replied “ because for the past ten minutes I have been talking to you and all you have been doing is staring into that damn sky, its rather annoying y’know. You were floating in and out of this conversation.”

AUTHOR

ROGERS OTIATO.

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